Well hello, hello, hello again all my wonderfully delectable friends! This is a momentous occasion in Twist-Blogging! This blog will be being read not only on myspace, by my sexy myspace friends... but also on my new Blogger page, and also on my Fat-Forums profile... and I might even find the time to put it on my BBW Extreme profile as well! This isn't just in an effort to boost my ego (although that's partly the reason!) but also because I'm so annoyed at losing the dozens of blogs I did when my myspace got deleted a while back. So from now on, it's the New Improved Multi-Site Twistamatic Deluxe Blog in 3D! OK, get on with it....
I was inspired by my excellent friend Cricket to write this blog. The thing is, I'm wondering how many people out there actually understand themselves. I don't want to sound pretentious, but I do feel that I know myself, and understand myself, a lot better than most people do. I don't say that in a boastful way at all, in fact I wonder if it's a good thing at all! So bear with me...
You know what I think makes us understand ourselves better? It's pain. We, as humans, endure a lot of pain. I'm going to talk about my own experiences... not in some whiny emo way, but because I think it illustrates what I'm banging on about. I had a horrible teenage life. I was 6'6" by the time I was fourteen, I got bullied, had no self-confidence, no friends... and then fate threw me a blessing at exactly the wrong time, so it looked like the worst curse imaginable. I realised I was finding men attractive. Sexually attractive. So I had to now deal with the fact that I was gay (or so I thought). I didn't cope at all well. I didn't discuss it with anyone, of course... and I soon found myself pretty much incapable to talk with my peers of either sex. I became very insular. I went to a very dark place, as they would say.
It was only leaving home and coming to London to go to university that kicked me out of that horrible state of mind. I learned to live. I was seventeen when I left home. It took me a year to get out of that dark mindset and make friends, and finally, when I was about nineteen, have some sort of deeper connection, a romantic and sexual connection, with another person. First was a rather unsatisfying bit of spooning and whatnot with another guy, a fellow student. And then I lost my virginity with a girl. I learned that I wasn't gay, I still found women hugely attractive! But I fancied men too.... so by the time I was twenty, I think, I was settled with being bi-sexual.
Looking back at myself, during those emerging years, what I find remarkable with hindsight is that I went from socially moribund and depressed to... well, what I am now, without any direct outside inlfluence. I never spoke to anyone about how I felt or my sexual urges, I never spoke to my parents or brother, I had no friends to confide in for a long time. But somehow, over the passage of the years, I learned to understand myself. And now I feel like I've benefited from it. I have a very firm belief in myself, and what I can do and what I feel. I never feel ashamed or embarrased of who I am or what I do. In fact, it's probably gone a bit far, I am guilty of being self-obsessed and arrogant, I admit that! But that's probably better than what I was, don't you think?
I'm especially glad that I'm confident when it comes to my sexual side. I feel hugely sympathetic for those people who are latent homosexuals or bisexuals, so haven't the power to come out and declare their desires. But it's not all that deep and meaningful. For instance, I like some pretty extreme and bizarre types of porn. And I'm not ashamed of it... OK, I don't go around talking to casual acquaintances about how much I love wanking off while watching extreme cumshot porn (actually, I have done that once or twice... a drink or two and I'll tell you anything!) but you get my drift.
Anyway, my point is that that journey of self-discovery I endured made me what I am today... and in a strange way I'm thankful for it. I know it sounds terribly arrogant, but I like being me now! And I think that's a gift, to be happy with yourself and enjoy being yourself. And it seems to be rare. But what I want to say is, all those of you who are reading this who are suffering with all kinds of problems, be they personal or whatever.... just remember that creaky old cliche... 'that which does not kill us only makes us stronger'. It's hackneyed as hell, but it's true! Grit your teeth and do your best and eventually things will be bright, and life will the all the sweeter after you've tasted the sour. You'll understand yourself better... I promise you that!
OK, I'm starting to sound like some zealous motivational speaker or something now... so I'll shut up! I just wanted to get all that off my chest. I hope someone finds it interesting!
All my love... TWiST XxX
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