Heya all my gorgeous friends! I've been feeling a bit weird these last few days, so I thought I'd bash out a few sentences... I always find that helps!I think I'm feeling a bit like a fish out of water. Someone recently observed how it was an enormously courageous thing I did, just suddenly uprooting myself from London and moving down here to Australia. And, thinking about it, she's damn right... although I'd be more inclined to say 'rash and foolish' than 'courageous'! Although I suppose not foolish... because it's all going quite well. I have to keep reminding myself that if I was still back in Blighty I'd be probably still looking for both a flat and a job... and be skint. Currently, although I'm still pretty skint, I've at least got a job which I don't hate and somewhere cheap to live! Oh, and incidentally I discovered why so cheap when the linoleum tiles in the kitchen fell off duing a heatspell... and then the shower curtain rail fell out of its stocket at 3am. But that's all OK. Living with my cousin is alright, but because I'm such a free agent I do feel a little stifled by it sometimes. I'm not at all used to living with someone. It's all really in my own mind... too long flying solo!
But one of the things I never considered as much as I should before coming down here was the almost invisible network of friends that I've had to sever ties with. OK, so I didn't have a lot of close friends in London...not like some people do... but I do miss them not being here. I think the lack of social motivation is the issue. When there's people you know, you make the effort to go out with them. When you're alone, it seems to be ten times the effort to do so. I keep finding myself gravitating towards collapsing on the sofa at night with a DVD and a bottle of plonk... simply because no-one's there to text me and say “we're going to the pub, want to come?” OK, so there's nothing wrong with a night in... but I'm scared of becoming a loner like I was in my teenage years... completely insular.
I haven't even mentioned the sexual side yet, of course. And, yeah... I miss that more than anything! I keep feeling like I should have appreciated what I had back home (see, I still think of it as home!) I'm a picky bastard, really... I don't want a long-term 'relationship' and I like having more than just a one night stand. I really need to learn to love one or the other, don't I? The chance of acquiring what one can only call 'fuck buddies' is slim. I love it... being able to meet up with someone, have a meal and a drink and then shag each other silly, and then just getting on with our individual lives until next time. But other people want either more or less, it seems. I'm wondering if it'd be worth my while finding a worthwhile 'adult dating' site... I know they're full of nutjobs and wankers, but it might be better than finding random sex in clubs on a Saturday night.
I'm going to really be open here... hell, it's not like I'm going to hurt anyone by saying this stuff. I would be so happy if I fell in love. If the right person came along, who I could unreseveredly love and always want to be with, and satisfy all my sexual desires... I would be the happiest guy around. It scares me to think I might be so tuned-out when it comes to 'love' that I won't find it even when it's right in front of me. I feel my bad experiences in the past have left me permanently scarred. But what can I do about it? Find someone I like and try and convince myself that I really do 'love' them? I don't think I could do that. I don't want to break someone's heart by telling them I love them and then running off when the next sexy person comes along. I seriously don't trust myself. I can't fake love... and in all honesty, I don't want to.I guess I have to just keep thinking that one day it might happen... but learn to accept the fact that it might not. Bizarrely, the lyrics from the 'Snuffbox' theme keep running through my head... “I can't be in love if it's plastic, but to live on my own just seems tragic.”
Wow... I can't believe I just typed that paragaph! I wasn't meaning to be so deep and heartfelt in this blog! Oh well... I have to post this now, there's no use bottling it up! Let's change the subject though.
The weather is finally cooling off a little.I've actually slept with covers on for a few nights! I thought that'd never happen. Maybe I'm acclimatizing. I'm certainly picking up the accent! I spoke with someone back hom (did it again!) and they reckon I'm already speaking with that Aussie 'twang' in my voice! Hah... not sure how true that is... I doubt I'll be saying 'G'day' any time soon! The job is going well, I've picked it all up pretty quickly, though I say so myself. The pay isn't fantastic for the amount of work I have to do and the responsibility I have, to my mind... but after three months I get to negotiate that. And at least it's usually fun... well, as fun as any job ever is. The most challenging part is the die-cast model cars... I'm really not a rev-head at all, I don't know anything about cars, and much less Aussie ones! So all these blokey men come in asking for this and that model of whatever... and I'm useless! No... I manage to bluff my way through it most of the time. The other stuff I'm ace at... all the geeky stuff, collectibles, board games, card games, action figures. It's just the bloody cars that are my blind spot!
Oh, and I just remembered, there's one other thing that's making me feel awkward at the moment... and I'm sure a lot of you know what that is. Mel, aka Sweet Seductive Siren, is in London at the moment. If life hadn't decided to have a sick sense of humour, I'd be over there too with her... making a lot of fantasies (both her and mine) come true. How frustrating a thought is that? Seems to be a curse of mine, when it comes to meeting people on the net... I keep encountering all these amazing, sexy, wonderful people... but any plan to meet up with them falls apart! That's going to change. One of these days it'll change... mark my words!
Oh well... this has been a very strange blog, I wasn't planning to pour out my heart like this! But I'm glad I did. I feel better for it. :) Your comments are, as ever, gratefully awaited!
Lots of hugs and kisses... and other things if you desire them... to each and every one of you! XxX